“Be There Or Be Square”
In the 60s “be there or be square” was a common phrase used to influence a person’s priorities. For example, if a friend invited you to a party, one they thought was going to be cool, they might add, “be there or be square.” And of course no one wanted to be a square, dork or a nerd, so they would rearrange their schedule to be sure and attend.
Remembering my junior high and high school years, I've come to the conclusion that I was pretty square, it really wasn’t all that bad. And most of the dorks I knew turned out to be quite cool adults and the nerds, well they ended up being successful professionals.
Today that simple phrase, ‘be there or be square’ still serves as a subtle reminder to consider my priorities. To spend a few minutes quietly reflecting on life and to take inventory of what is happening at that moment. Once I have a list, then I organize it according to what is most important. Lastly, I schedule my priorities.
Seems like a pretty simple process at first glance. But then you step back, and observe what others are doing. What are their priorities? You hear the subtle beckoning of worldly influences. Maybe they’re not so subtle anymore. Perhaps they have a megaphone and are yelling at the top of their lungs. Their mantra, “eat, drink and be merry,” really hasn’t changed much over the centuries. And if you abstain, then of course you’re square, not hip, or not cool. Sure the words have evolved, but the meaning is the same. In today’s vernacular it might sound like this, “it’s all about you. You are most important. Do what ever you like so long as it feels good, it’s all good.”
In a world rife with self indulgence and selfishness what will help those you love find happiness? What has lasting value? What will bring peace to your soul? What should be on your list? What is most important?
I would give you the answers, but hey it's your list not mine. It’s your life, and your happiness, not mine. I can’t walk the path for you, but I can point you in the right direction. Still it will be up to you to take the first step, and then the next and the next, until you arrive.
You may ask, arrive where? Great question, and one that must be answered before you get to the crossroads. Oh did I forget to mention there would be crossroads on this path, that you would actually have to make choices. Important choices. Choices that will, in a huge way, determine your peace and happiness during this life.
In the Lewis Carroll masterpiece, Alice in Wonderland, Alice comes to a fork in the road, a crossroads of sorts, and she is uncertain which way to go. She asks the cheshire cat,
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.”
The answer, and the lesson for us all, is that we must first decide where it is we would like to end up in life. Then with this goal or goals in mind we can begin to make choices that will insure us a safe arrival at our journey’s end.
So what is most important? That all depends on where you're wanting to go? It also, depends on what stage of life you are in. Your list may vary according to the season of your life. At times, some of the things in the middle of your list may leapfrog others in their importance, and move their way closer to the top. Still others may decrease in importance or even fall off your list altogether.
There was a time in my life, nearly a decade long, when working to succeed in school consumed most of my time. During that season of my life, while attending Brigham Young University, I met and married my wife. And with this change, my priorities needed to be rearranged. Our relationship became a top priority. It was important that schooling didn’t take away from our time together.
Finding a balance was difficult at times. A few years later, as I entered into dental school our family grew to three with the addition of our daughter Brittany, and less than two years later our family expanded yet again with the addition of another daughter, Amanda. Two more priorities happily added to the top of my list. And yes, that meant some other things, like watching sports on TV, pursuit of some personal hobbies and nights of uninterrupted sleep, quietly and unceremoniously slipped to the bottom and fell off my list.
I quickly found myself without enough waking hours in the day to do all that was required of me. The solution, at least for me, was to get up earlier. And even then it could be tricky juggling time with our small family, dental school and church. The blessing in disguise, scheduling my priorities first automatically meant that the less important things at the bottom of my list fell off naturally. I learned to say, “that sounds like a great project. It would be fun or I’d really love to do this or that but . . .” And this but is the kicker. It is the key. “But, my plate is already full, thank you for inviting me.” This enabled me to keep my list manageable.
“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”
It is all too clear from this prophetic warning that home life, family life and our families need to be at the very top of any list we make.
When I got home from school, if Billie needed help, after a long day with two very active daughters, I would put away my books and take a break. I often studied late into the evening, but when it was time to read or pray with our children at bedtime I took a break. There was always time enough to kiss them goodnight and whisper in their ears, “you are more precious than diamonds and rubies.”
My point is, as I would close my school book I would say to myself, I’m not sure what grade I’m going to get on this test or in that class, but I am going to get an ‘A’ with my wife and our children. I always kept a mental home report card. I discovered that as long as I was earning A’s at home I was happier.
Fortunately, Billie and the girls were understanding of my time constraints and didn’t demand more of my time than I could give while still getting good grades in school.
When prioritizing my own life I have found that a few simple guidelines help me stay on track.
First, families are forever and therefore first on the list.
Second, people are always more important than things. And the people who matter most are family.
Third, quantity time is better than quality time, but when all else fails a little quality time is better than none at all.
Fourth, activities that build and strengthen relationships are more important than self indulgent hobbies.
“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.
”
So what exactly does the phrase, ‘be there or be square’ mean to me?
I think of the Be square part as that analytical, rational part of my brain. The part of my brain that obsesses with having everything perfectly organized a certain way, that stresses over each and every quiz and test, that worries endlessly about being successful in business. The activities in the square part of my brain, if left unchecked, would happily or unhappily consume every minute of everyday.
The Be There part of my brain is where empathy, compassion and selflessness reign. This is the part of my brain that reminds me that personal success is nice, but the success of the family is paramount. This is the part of my brain that reminds me that simple things like coaching our daughter’s softball teams, our son’s baseball teams, attending dance performances, dance recitals, dance competitions, or spending a few hours on a saturday at the ranch–with horses I have never ridden– because that’s what my wife and youngest daughter enjoy doing is the most valuable time spent all week. Why? Because these activities will deposit more lasting memories into my personal happiness account than could be made doing anything else.
In the early 1980s, a Massachusetts lawyer named Arnold Zack made this observation to his friend Paul Tsongas. “No one on his DEATHBED ever said, ‘I wish I had spent more time in my business (or at the office).’” Tsongas, then a U.S. senator, was suffering from lymphoma.
The Be Square side says time is money, and think of all the toys you can buy with money. The be square side studies and analyses ROI - return on investment. But keep in mind that when we die, and we all will die, we can’t take it with us. All of the material things, the luxuries, creature comforts, boats, cars, airplanes and the list goes on. All of these things have one thing in common. They have a manufacturer's label, and the small print says for temporal enjoyment only. In other words they all have an expiration date. And funny thing, coincidentally, it matches exactly with our own mortal expiration date.
The Be There side of my brain also likes the idea of ROI. Why you might ask? Because the return on the time invested in your spouse and children not only grows in this life, but it is compounded eternally. It never stops increasing. I call it my after mortality investment fund, it’s really more of an endowment. A gift that continues in perpetuity to yield dividends. Dividends that are without a doubt more precious than diamonds or rubies.
The past two weeks Billie has been in Utah with our daughter, and her family, including our two most recent grandsons. The be square guy rationalizes, ‘I’m very busy. There are many things I have to take care of at my office. I can only come one weekend.’ But the be there guys says. ‘I’ll be there both.”
I will always cherish the time, really the privilege of being there the last two weekends. Kayson 3lbs 11oz and Kingston 5lbs 12 oz, came into this world a little earlier than expected. They have already started making memories for all of us. Memories that I will always cherish and never forget.
Kayson Rudolph 'Rudy'
Kingston Charles
The Be Square person's in life deserve respect and appreciation from their children and those around them for their tireless efforts. However the Be There persons, give that which is of most value, they give that which is uniquely theirs, that which only they can give, their time, their talents and themselves. Oh money is nice, fancy things are nice, but giving of your time and personal hands-on attention is priceless. Being there is the strongest glue on earth, it binds families together, mends broken hearts, and heals wounded souls.
That is the example of the Savior of the world. He came to do what no one else could do and to give what was uniquely His to give. He gave of himself. Holding nothing back. He is the ultimate example of a Be There person. He was there in the garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Golgotha, and outside of the empty tomb. He was there in the beginning, before the world was created, and He is still there with his arms outstretched, beckoning us to come unto Him, to Be There with Him.