The Platinum Rule
I know what you are probably thinking, “don’t you mean the Golden Rule?” “Platinum? Isn’t gold the standard?”
Standards are used when establishing expectations for performance or quality of a product. Things like car safety in crash situations, tire handling in wet conditions and food purity are all measured against industry standards, with the best practices often referred to as the “Gold Standard.” Interpersonal relationships can also be considered in the light of best practices in which the alternatives are compared to what is considered ideal, the “Golden Rule.”
But is the Golden Rule really the Gold Standard? Is it the best we can do?
This can be a difficult question to answer when considering our actions and how we treat others. For those who haven’t heard of either the Gold Standard or the Golden Rule a brief review is in order before continuing with my ramblings.
Originally the phrase “The Gold Standard” was used to describe a monetary system where a country's currency or paper money had a value directly linked to gold. Gold was preferred over silver and other commodities because of it’s intrinsic value. Using gold as a standard prevailed in various forms in the United States, Britain and Germany for nearly two hundred years. And although the previously mentioned countries no longer use gold to back their currency, the expression “Gold Standard” continues in use as a means to describe the best practice or way to do something.
This past weekend I attended an oral surgery meeting in Palm Springs. One of the topics presented included reconstructive grafting of large defects resulting from osseous necrosis of the jaw. The presenter, a well known surgeon and author of numerous texts and articles, referred to the use of autogenous bone (the patient’s own bone, harvested from a different location on their body) as the “Gold Standard” of grafting materials. In essence he was saying, in his experience, using autogenous bone was preferred whenever possible and the value of other grafting materials could be measured against its success.
When teaching children how to treat other children the Golden Rule has long been considered the gold standard, or so I thought. This past week I asked several young adults in their early twenties to describe the Golden Rule to me. The answers I got were surprisingly varied and included these, “I’ve never heard of it;” “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all” —Thumper; and “happy wife, happy life.”
Sound familiar?
While the later two are useful truisms they are not the “Golden Rule.”
So what is the Golden Rule? In its simplest form it is an altruistic principle requiring sympathy of an individual towards another individual or group of persons. It is commonly expressed in one of two ways; either in the positive,
“do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Or the negative,
“don’t treat others how you would not like to be treated.”
It’s origin is not traceable to a single source, other than God. Similar admonitions are found in one form or another in the teachings of most religions. Perhaps the most familiar Christian iteration is, “to love your neighbor as yourself.”
As you contemplate this admonition of the Savior I imagine that a number of other Judeo-Christian beliefs will come to mind. Specifically the teachings of Jesus as found in the New Testament and the Book of Mormon including patience, forgiveness and justice. These were amongst the first that came to my mind. For example if you desire to be judged righteously, then you must exercise righteous judgement. If you wish to be extended mercy then you must be merciful. And naturally if you hope to be forgiven of your trespasses then you must also forgive your trespassers.
When we have sympathy for or we sympathize with someone we can have compassion for them, but we may not necessarily feel their feelings. Having sympathy for another person's circumstances or situation is important, but stops short of actually feeling what they are feeling.
Enter the “Platinum Rule,” which suggests that we treat others not as we would like to be treated, but instead as they would like to be treated. To treat an individual as he or she would like to be treated requires that we not only sympathize with them, but that we also develop empathy for them. In other words we are willing to go the extra mile to better understand them.
“To truly empathize with someone you can not merely travel the extra mile as a companion observer. Instead you must when possible share in their burdens, walk in their shoes and journey at a pace that permits you to see the surrounding scenery through their eyes.”
To the extent which you can effectively do this you will be enabled to develop empathy for them. It may sound difficult at first, because it is. It requires a great deal of patience and charity, the pure love of Christ.
As each of us make the effort to increase in empathy we will experience in some way or another a small portion of what our family, friends and neighbors have and are experiencing thus making it possible for us to give the counsel and assistance they need most.
Many years ago, as a young oral surgery resident at LAC/USC medical center I had the privilege of working with a very seasoned nurse. She was a large, cheerfully energetic black woman who had been raised in the deep south in a very religious christian family. On one occasion we were talking about marriage. She said, “my husband and I have been married for nearly 30 years.” She paused for a moment. Her expression was one of satisfaction and contentment. Then she added, “happily married. But it wasn’t always so.”
With my wealth of marital experience (6 years), I chimed in attempting to keep the conversation light. “Everybody has disagreements or situations where they don’t see eye to eye from time to time.”
She shook her head, smiled and waved her finger at me, “I’m not talking about what you're gonna have for dinner, or if you’re a lakers or Chicago bulls fan.” I think her husband was the lakers fan. “Nope! I'm talking about differences at the very core of your being. I’m taking about being truly happy.”
Her expression was kind and matronly. She considered us residents her star pupils, perhaps even as her own adopted children. For an instant the intonation of her voice reminded me of a southern Baptist preacher who was just getting warmed up for a humdinger of a sermon. But then her voice softened and without knowing it I leaned a bit closer. Her last words caught my attention. You know how when you're listening to someone, someone older and more experienced and you are sure they are about to impart some timeless wisdom and your ears perk up, you don’t want to miss it so you give them 100% of your attention? This was one of those moments. Who wouldn’t want to be happy I thought? Was she about to share with me another truism? You know, “two wrongs don't make a right” or “happy spouse—happy house.” Or did she have something deeper, more profound to say?
She shared with me the following story and it has stuck with me ever since. “Shortly after my husband and I were married we moved to Southern California. I was far away from my family and felt alone. Looking back I think he was lonely too, his family never seemed to be around. To make matters worse he got very sick. As a young, albeit determined, wife I worked tirelessly to nurse him back to health. I checked in on him regularly and made him snacks.
He was mostly quiet, but when he spoke his voice sounded frustrated and a little bit angry. So I tried harder to be attentive and made him all kinds of soups and broths. I sat by his bedside for hours at a time. To my dismay with my increased efforts he became more and more agitated. His illness lingered for several weeks during which time I cared for him constantly.
As luck would have it just as he started feeling better I came down with the same illness. While I was sick he rarely checked in on me without me first having to call for him. As my days of being sick dragged on I became more and more sullen. I found it difficult to speak to him when he peaked in, which was only just long enough to set down a plate of food before silently exiting my room and closing the door behind.
During that time I wondered what had happened to the man of my dreams. Had I made a mistake? Had I married the wrong person? Even after I had fully recovered I harbored feelings that I had been neglected and wasn’t loved. I could see he wasn’t happy either, like I had done something to offend him.
Finally after nearly a month we agreed neither of our feelings were getting better with the passing of time alone. We needed to talk, to have a heart to heart.
And this is what we discovered. In his family when someone became ill everyone left them alone, disturbing them as little as possible. This allowed them to get plenty of rest, peace and quiet, enabling them to make a speedier recovery. So the more I tried to be attentive to his needs, in essence caring for him like I would’ve liked to be cared for, the more frustrated and unhappier he became.
In my family, on the other hand, if someone was sick we all rallied round them. Keeping them company and caring for them round the clock. So the more he left me to rest quietly, attempting to care for me as he would like to have been treated, the more alone and neglected I felt.
We decided at that moment to learn more about each other’s likes and and dislikes and when in doubt to ask, ‘how would you like me to do this or that for you? How would you like to be treated?’ As we did so we became closer and closer to one another.”
“Funny thing,” she paused and smiled broadly before continuing. “With him watching out for my wants and needs and my looking out for his, we both have all we could ever ask for. And I might add, not by being selfish but by being selfless.”
So that’s the “Platinum Rule” in a nutshell.
“To treat others as they would like to be treated.”
In conclusion, as with most man-made rules there are a few exceptions to the “Platinum Rule.” Although, common sense would dictate that these two exceptions should be obvious and go without saying. Still we live in interesting times, when incredible knowledge abounds and yet there is an alarming lack of good old common sense. I guess you could say that common sense is not so common any more.
When employing the “Platinum Rule,” striving to treat others as they would like to be treated, we must first and foremost do no harm. This do no harm injunction means exactly that. Before you do anything listen to your conscience—the light of Christ, follow your core values and be sure you’re not harming anyone by your actions.
Permit me to paraphrase a writer who explained the “do no harm” guideline as follows; you don’t have to hurt people even if they ask you to—the Kevorkian Exception. And candy is not a meal. Spoiling people can be harmful and lead to cavities—the Veruca Salt Theorem.
To repeat, empathy is the attribute or ability to get inside someone else’s life, to “walk a mile in their shoes.” To feel what they are feeling, to see through their eyes, to appreciate or understand life according to their experience, culture and background. Empathy requires great effort but it is worth it. The reward is better communication, better understanding, deeper interpersonal relationships and the love of God for others, making it possible to act more compassionately and charitably towards all men.
Alma, while speaking to those who had gathered near the waters of Mormon taught,
“As ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort . . .”
Think about it. Is this not the example of Jesus?
“When those difficult times come to us, we can remember that Jesus had to descend below all things before he could ascend above them, and that he suffered pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind that he might be filled with mercy and know how to succor his people in their infirmities (see D&C 88:6; Alma 7:11–12).”
You could say that Jesus Christ raised the bar of sympathy and the "Golden Rule" to whole new heights. Those of empathy, charity (Christlike love), selfless service and the “Platinum Rule.”